the love song of j. alfred pippifrock

I've always loved the poem by T.S. Eliot - The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock, and especially the last few lines.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I have heard the mermaids singing, each to each.

I do not think that they will sing to me.

I have seen them riding seaward on the waves
Combing the white hair of the waves blown back
When the wind blows the water white and black.

We have lingered in the chambers of the sea
By sea-girls wreathed with seaweed red and brown
Till human voices wake us, and we drown.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

But this poem is more of a lament than a love song, though, isn't it?

I think I'll change it.

Starting with the last few lines:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I can hear the mermaids singing, each to each.

I join them and I know that I am free.

That's me there riding seaward on the waves
Combing the white hair of the waves blown back
When the wind blows the water white and black.

That's us among the chambers of the sea
As sea-girls wreathed with seaweed red and brown
We sing the truth, which is the only sound.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There we go.

That's better.

xoxo,
erin

fly little firefly fly

have you ever gone out at dusk in the rain and caught fireflies with a six-year-old?
and then raced to a fallen-down-tree with your jar of bugs and set them free?
and sang them a song as they flew away?

and listened to the thunder roll...

and then ran down to the Catholic church to catch some more,
and let the six year old tell you the meaning of life?

that we are all God.

that life never ends.

that we will always know each other.

and then say, "that's enough, let's catch more fireflies."

and count them together as you put them back into the jar.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

have you ever done that?

xoxo,
erin

psychotherapy and the meaning of vultures

I woke up while the kiddos were still sleeping today, and created a little mom-time. After about ten minutes of meditation, I went downstairs in time to hug my husband before he went off to work. Then, I looked out the window.

Usually, on Wednesdays, I see a bunch of trash cans out on the sidewalk...you know...because it's trash day. But I don't usually see this:

Big hungry vultures. 

I took a picture, and then walked out thinking they would fly away, but they are brave and don't scare easily when there is garbage around. I shooed them away long enough to secure my trash can lid with a couple of bricks and walked back inside, but they were right back at it as soon as I left.




Well, I've talked before about receiving signs from the Universe, and wondering in my mind: "Am I making to much of this?"

Often the signs I have gotten have taken the form of birds.

But this time, I pretty much just saw a bunch of big hungry vultures eating poopy diapers out of my trash can before I had a chance to drink my coffee this morning.

Not cool, vultures, not cool.

And then a really nice man on Periscope Jeffrey Rutstein, came on and read a poem that spoke directly to this. (Not the vultures thing, but the signs thing.)

It was called "Becoming Human," and I don't know how to spell the author's name, but it may have been Hyphus? or Heifetz? But anyhoo, it was a man asking someone whether or not his dreams/visions about God were true. The answer was basically "YES, your visions are true, IF they help you to become more human and more kind to every creature and plant that you know." In other words, YOU CREATE YOUR OWN REALITY, and as long as it is something that gets you to lean towards love, then it's true.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"I close my eyes and all the world drops dead; I think I made you up inside my head."

                                                                                            -Sylvia Plath

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And to tie in to what I'm learning from A Course in Miracles - only love is real. So if it is love, then it is true.

Very nice, universe, very nice. Thank you.

And as for the vultures - thanks for recycling stuff. It's cool and all, but I'll take you guys as a sign that I need to buy a new trash can with a tighter lid.

Here's a song in which can be found a very powerful line - "Come down off the cross; we could use the wood." It's by Tom Waits. All the other lyrics are nice too, as Tom Waits' usually are.

tah-tah now, and have a LARGE day!

xoxo,
erin

permaculture 1 - our journey begins

everything's coming up permaculture these days.

it's almost as if someone is trying to show me something...

...hmm?

today I woke up tired and crazy with crazy kids promising to make a crazy day.

I didn't accept it.

I said no.

instead, I loaded my crazies into the car and sat there and said:



ummmmm... now what?

I had no plan. I had nowhere to go. I'm not gonna lie, we sat in the driveway for approximately 20 minutes with the car running just enjoying the silence.

~~~what is this magic that the car possesses that makes my children become suddenly silent?~~~

I asked God where we should go.

He told me Horn Farm - York, PA



off we go.

but not before I ran back into the house for some water bottles and diapers and stood in the middle of my quiet living room and said to myself - maybe I should just leave them in the car and read a book?

but it was hot out.

and the kids were in the driveway.

so I didn't do that.

I went back out and said "Yay! Let's go for a drive, guys!!!"




and off we went.

that's it and that's all for tonight. I'm tired, and I will tell you the rest tomorrow (if you're lucky).

night night!!!

thrift scores

I did a little retail therapy yesterday at my favorite thrift store, and got a pretty good haul!

When I shop at a thrift store, I am not finding the things, the things are finding me. And that's the love. Here's a good book having to do with that:



That's book #1 on Pippi's recommended reading list. Check it out.

So here's the bounty:

lots of orange kid's clothes...including the ones he's currently wearing.

paper mache angel face

tree art

good reads

good reads for my kid - the one on the right is my personal fave "Darth Vader's Activity Book" HA!

Here's an excerpt: Death Star Cookies

My favorite part

Bird basket

Green glass. (I collect it).

My green glass collection along with the angel and tree. They look pretty good together!

also - I thought I bought a pretty curtain, but it turns out it was a blanket. who knew?

So that is it, and that is all, my beautiful friends.

It was a beautiful day in the neighborhood. 

Here is the song for today, reminding us all to stay free.

xoxo,

erin

monday morning walk tune

...and that's how you go about a Monday.

xoxo,
erin

walk, pray, sing

today I learned that when negative thoughts come through my mind, I need to do less of this:



and more of this:



As usual with things that are enlightening and true, it was reinforced to me several times already even though it is just a little after noon. The first was when I picked up "The Law of Divine Compensation" by Marianne Williamson and found this prayer:

Dear God,

I feel myself falling into the hole of self-pity, self-obsession, and negativity.

I know I shouldn't think this way, but I'm afraid and I cannot stop.

Please replace my thoughts with Yours, dear God.

I am willing to see myself and all things differently.

Please send me the miracle of new eyes and ears,

that

I might know my greater good.

Amen

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So while I'm all about turning the music up to eleven, where I had been doing it in order to drown out other voices (i.e. out of fear) this time I will do it in prayer (i.e. out of love).

I've been on a Blind Melon kick the past few days - this is beautiful:

And I will add lyrics too, because our words matter, and because I think it speaks to forgiving yourself and being a turtle. Walk, not run. Walk, so that you may fly. And always keep singing.

Thank you Shannon Hoon for letting your beautiful soul shine.

xoxo,

erin

three birds

"It is essential, however, that you free yourself from fear quickly, because you must emerge from the conflict if you are to bring peace to other minds." 
                                                    -A Course in Miracles 2.8.2.8

~~~~~~~~~~~~

this morning, I got another obvious and frightening sign from the universe. I won't even describe it here because I'm done giving names to this type of thinking.

see - I'm learning.

I get it.

I'm powerful.

here is a beautiful sign I've been getting a lot lately - three birds. I've been seeing them everywhere, and it's always a good thing. they make my heart happy.

so the song for today is:

love

light

peace

fun

gratitude

flowers

birds

laughing children

singing moms

have a large day!

xoxo,

erin

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"When everything you retain is lovable, there is no reason for fear to remain with you. This is your part in the Atonement."

                                                                                         A Course in Miracles 2.8.5.10-11

brain train

~a continuation from my previous post (this is my bear)~

I woke up this morning struggling with the notion that my thoughts could be that powerful. I don't want them to be that powerful. over breakfast, I opened my copy of A Course in Miracles. currently, I'm on the second chapter.

something that stuck out to me was this quote, "You prefer to believe that your thoughts cannot exert real influence because you are actually afraid of them...there are no idle thoughts. All thinking produces form at some level."

It left me feeling a little bit like Steve Urkel.

ummmm...



...DID I DO THAT?!?!?

and then I lost my phone. pretty much the entire morning, I was wandering around looking for my phone. I had given up and decided it would show up at some point, when suddenly it appeared in a really stupid place where I never put it. not TWO SECONDS after I found it, I get the tweety-bird notification that Max Ryan is live on Periscope doing a lesson from A Course in Miracles. wha-whaaaaaat?

the discussion pretty much re-affirmed what I had read in the book. I don't remember exact words, but through the course of the conversation, Max affirmed that this work is not for the weak of heart. it is scary. some people can't do it. some people give up halfway through. but if you stick with it, you will find peace. and I think he's right.

so I think I'll take my "bear" experience as a lesson. I need to train my brain. I cannot continue letting it run amock with incredibly negative thoughts/fantasies/whatever-the-heck-they-are.

here's another quote that got me:

"You are much too tolerant of mind wandering, and are passively condoning your mind's mis-creations."

my brain is a jittery squirrel, and it needs training.

through yoga, chanting, and meditation, I am working on it.

through the work I'm doing with Max Ryan, I am working on it.

for the rest of the day, I will need some ammunition.

today, when I caught myself playing out another incredibly negative story in my mind, (I will not even describe it, because that would give it power), I put on some happy music and sang. here's the song, in case you need a pick-me-up. it's one of my all-time favorites about re-purposing (one of my favorite hobbies). and it's funny/creepy at the very same time, which is right up my alley.

thanks for reading, and have a large day!

xoxo,
erin

this is my bear

every year, we go to camp. it is primitive - we are roughing it.

thankfully, there is electricity, but we don't have running water.

there is no phone service.

we poop in the woods.

it is very remote.

usually, we see bears.

driving to camp on tuesday, I had a very clear vision of a bear attacking my child. it was unclear which child. I stabbed the bear in the throat to save him. I wasn't sure in the vision whether I lived or died, but I knew I had saved my child.

I caught myself having these thoughts and tried to think about something different. something happy. but it lingered.

~~~~~~~~~~~

not long after we got to camp, Rowan sat down to eat lunch and choked -- legit choked -- on a potato from my mom's potato salad. he was born incredibly early and still has feeding difficulties. even at the age of six, he does not properly chew his food. he has never choked before, but this time was for real. his face was splotchy and red. there were loud, stridorous breaths. I tried the heimlich twice while calling for mom but it didn't work. he had tears on his face, but couldn't speak. he started to turn pale, struggling to breathe. my mom tried the heimlich. she was doing it wrong -- up around his ribs. I said "let me do it." this time I said to myself: "I may have to hurt him to help him." I gave him two big thrusts, and shortly the potato came out.

Finally, he could breathe free.

Gratitude.
Relief.
Love.
Tears.
Also, alcohol.

obviously, that stayed on my mind for a long time. it was difficult to find my happy vibes. did I manifest that by thinking about a situation in which my child was in danger and I saved him?

was it a vision?

was it coincidence?

am I thinking too much again?

real talk: what happened was I spent a lot of time feeling guilty that I caused that situation with my negative thoughts.

in my heart, I know that's not true, but I'm still working through it.

one thing I'm sure of is that me and that kid were meant to be together. he teaches me as I teach him. this work I'm doing is meant to guide him just as it is meant to guide me.

we saw no bears at camp this year.

~~~~~~~~~

we are love.
all is love.

Gratitude.
Grace.
Light.

also - microbrews.

xoxo,
erin

goals

Why am I motivated to do this work?

There are a lot of different reasons, and some are fairly obvious. To have a more fulfilling, happier life, to increase happiness, reduce stress, that kind of thing.

More tangibly I would like to have a beautiful house and yard that I am proud of. I would like to own a long-arm quilting machine to be able to finish my quilts on my own. I would like to be able to power my home and lifestyle using renewable energy. I want to build a little free library in my yard where the big oak tree fell down (more on that later), and I want to build it using wood from the tree. I would like to be able to home-school my children instead of work at the hospital as a nurse.

All this and so much more. 

But the big big big one has to do with raising my kids. While I can say I am really proud of myself and the things that I do in life, at my core I have a terribly low self-esteem, coupled with anxiety. There is a lot of negative self-talk that happens, and it was instilled in me from a very young age. I can see the same thing in the women who came before me - far far far up the family tree. We teach each other how to put ourselves down as a function of our culture, and I believe it runs very deep in our psyche to where most of us don't even realize we're doing it. My big big BIG goal here is to break that pattern of thought so that I don't pass it on to my own children. 

Also - I want to buy all the things. I LOOOOOOOOOOVE to shop!

That's all for now.

K thanks bye!

xoxo,

erin

shreem brzee 1

I don't have a ton of time for writing, but feel the need to get some of this stuff down before I forget it. My kids are playing nicely together at the moment so I will try to write some of my Shreem Brzee experiences quickly before the kiddos change their tune. The grammar will be imperfect, but ever since I got my English degree, I never really cared about proper grammar anyway.

Under the direction of the beautiful angelic Max Ryan - who I'm certain is helping TONS of people change their lives for the better (click the link if you're unfamiliar with him) - I've been chanting Shreem Brzee 108 times twice a day since the beginning of May. For the first couple of weeks it was a little painful around my throat towards the end of the chant, but I kept going. I would visualize myself like LeLu from the movie The Fifth Element...especially the scene at the end when the light is beaming down from the sky and going through her body. I visualized myself like that while I was chanting, and it helped me get through the times when it didn't feel so good to chant. After my muscles got used to it - around two weeks in - it got more enjoyable. One night, after work - so around 1AM - before going to bed, I did my chant. When I started saying the long E syllables in Shreem Brzee, the vibrations from my voice changed. They had been staying in my throat, but this night I felt them going straight up and out the middle of my forehead - on a spot which started to feel tingly and very very good! Then after a minute or so of that, I started feeling Reiki around the base of my head/top of my neck. The Reiki feeling spread to all around my entire head, and eventually all around my entire body. My grandmother - seven years dead - has been appearing to me a LOT lately in ways I can describe later, but she was a Reiki master, and she has been trying to get me to learn Reiki. So I'm not sure yet what that was - either a treatment or an attunement or both - manifested from beyond the grave. I am scheduled to get my Reiki I attunement on 6/24 so I will have to see how that feels before I'll know.

I did write some in my journal directly after that magical experience, which I want to share, but my kids are now yelling and beating on each other - better get those wildlings outside!

Much love, and more on this later.

xoxo,
erin