this is my bear

every year, we go to camp. it is primitive - we are roughing it.

thankfully, there is electricity, but we don't have running water.

there is no phone service.

we poop in the woods.

it is very remote.

usually, we see bears.

driving to camp on tuesday, I had a very clear vision of a bear attacking my child. it was unclear which child. I stabbed the bear in the throat to save him. I wasn't sure in the vision whether I lived or died, but I knew I had saved my child.

I caught myself having these thoughts and tried to think about something different. something happy. but it lingered.

~~~~~~~~~~~

not long after we got to camp, Rowan sat down to eat lunch and choked -- legit choked -- on a potato from my mom's potato salad. he was born incredibly early and still has feeding difficulties. even at the age of six, he does not properly chew his food. he has never choked before, but this time was for real. his face was splotchy and red. there were loud, stridorous breaths. I tried the heimlich twice while calling for mom but it didn't work. he had tears on his face, but couldn't speak. he started to turn pale, struggling to breathe. my mom tried the heimlich. she was doing it wrong -- up around his ribs. I said "let me do it." this time I said to myself: "I may have to hurt him to help him." I gave him two big thrusts, and shortly the potato came out.

Finally, he could breathe free.

Gratitude.
Relief.
Love.
Tears.
Also, alcohol.

obviously, that stayed on my mind for a long time. it was difficult to find my happy vibes. did I manifest that by thinking about a situation in which my child was in danger and I saved him?

was it a vision?

was it coincidence?

am I thinking too much again?

real talk: what happened was I spent a lot of time feeling guilty that I caused that situation with my negative thoughts.

in my heart, I know that's not true, but I'm still working through it.

one thing I'm sure of is that me and that kid were meant to be together. he teaches me as I teach him. this work I'm doing is meant to guide him just as it is meant to guide me.

we saw no bears at camp this year.

~~~~~~~~~

we are love.
all is love.

Gratitude.
Grace.
Light.

also - microbrews.

xoxo,
erin